Always, Never
by hexenkind
Summary: Always and never. Two words so different, but still so close. Always remember what you have. Never forget that there are others that aren't as fortunate. Children and teens die way to young, but no one can tell us why. AU Mitchie/Shane; Caitlyn, Nate


Disclaimer: I don't own anything, only the idea.

**"Always. Never."**

**Oneshot.**

Dedication: This oneshot is dedicated to all the people around the world that have lost someone far too young. To the ones that aren't fortunate to live the life that we take too often for granted. To anyone that has ever felt the way that life wasn't fair. I'm with you. Life isn't fair.

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I'm just a small town girl, living her plain and boring life. But in my sixteen, almost seventeen, years in this place we call earth, I can say that I never really lived.  
I've always lived one day after another. I never took a risk. Never followed my gut and in the end, never really lived.

I never walked on the street, but always on the sidewalk. I never experienced the spur of the moment phenomenon, but always planned my day and almost every second of it out so nothing would ever catch me off guard.

I never did something crazy just because I was feeling like it.  
I never yet told my boyfriend how much I actually love him. Never told him how much I truly wanted him.  
I always took my time on earth for granted, until one day, my whole life fell apart and pushed me to the ground. The ground that told me, that I couldn't keep living like this. Like I had all the time I wanted.

It was a normal day. I came home from my after school job at Barney's, beat. If I knew what I was about to be told, I would have never entered the door, would have never even come near the house, but I did and that was the moment that my life would change forever, from its roots up to my very thoughts and motions. I would live like I was dying. Enjoying every minute that I was granted to live, when others couldn't.

What triggered it, you may ask. Well, I can tell you. It was the same day that my 16-year-old best friend never reached her house, never got home from school and the day she took her last breath.

It was the day that my best friend's car was hit by a drunk driver. It was the day that she saw the sun for the last time. The day that her eyes closed forever and never would open again to see the things going on around her. It was the day that my best friend died.

Life can be cruel. It can be heartless, but in the end, it's you that needs to change. Life would always send you hidden signs, tell you that you need to change. Change your life. And this should by my wake-up call.

The moment my mother told me that she, my best friend since I was just in diapers, died, I knew that I had to praise every day that I had left on earth. Praise it, like it was my last. To life like I was dying. It could happen any minute, I knew that now. It could be any time that I closed my eyes, it would be the last. It could happen so quickly. I could die in an instant. Could die within the snap of a finger.

My best friend's death was a wake-up call, my last chance to show that I truly deserved living. That I took nothing for granted. Not anything, not anyone.  
I was sad, so sad, but selfishly glad at the same time.

My friend sent me a sign from up above, told me to live the life that she was never given to life. To enjoy every moment of it, even if it was just a simple meal with my family or hanging out with my friends, kissing my boyfriend. Live for her as well as for me.

So many things unsaid, so many things undone. It was time to change. I wouldn't leave this earth without taking the chance and accomplishing something. I couldn't bear it, wouldn't bear it. I would do it, for her. For my best friend.  
I would live my life for me, for my family, for my no longer living best friend, for anyone that has ever left this earth too early. Had been called to soon to our father up above.

Three hours after my parents had told me the shattering news I found myself in front of my boyfriend's house.  
I had cleaned myself up, had dressed in my favorite clothes, making sure I looked decent, and had curled my hair to perfection. I knew what I wanted. This was my place to start. My place to start living my life to the fullest. Taking everything with me that I could before it was my time to go.  
It was time to live for the moment, not for the day.  
It was time to live, not just to pretend.

Checking my appearance one last time in the window beside my boyfriend's front door, ringing the doorbell, I was satisfied with what I saw.  
What would he say? How would he react?  
It was the day to finally give in. Live my life.

He'd wanted it for a while now, he didn't say it out loud, but I still knew.  
He was always disappointed when I claimed to not be ready, he never showed it, but I still knew. I would always refuse, but today, I wouldn't.

After a few minutes of waiting, he finally opened the door.  
He was shocked to see me, to say the least, but he didn't show it. He never actually showed me any feelings of his that might make me mad. This time, at least his facial expressions didn't show it, but his eyes did. I knew him too well.

"Mitch? What are you doing here?" Stepping inside as he was still confused, I smiled. It was a fake smile, but he didn't need to know that. Didn't need to worry right now.  
Kissing his cheek and trailing my fingers down his chest, I looked around the house, or at least around what I could make out from the door.

"Are you alone?" I asked.

"What?" He knew that something was up. This wasn't like my usual self, even I knew that. I wasn't all smiles today, I didn't have a reason to be anyway, but he didn't know that. He wouldn't know that, not now. I would tell him later.

"I just wanted to know if you were home alone, Shane." He just nodded, dazed. "Well, are you?" Shutting the door, I pushed him inside the living room. It was empty. No soul was there.

"Yes, I am, but why-" Suddenly, I just wanted him to shut up. I didn't want to explain. Not now. Instead of talking, I just leaned up and kissed him. Square on the lips. That shut him up and despite his confusion, he didn't hesitate to kiss me back just as hard.

Soon, we reached the point where I would usually pull back, tell him I wasn't ready. But this time however was different. Instead of pulling back, I deepened the kiss, fiddling with his shirt, attempting to get it off him and finally did while pulling back and pushing him into the cushions of the couch, straddling his lap.

As I once again looked at his face, it was full of confusion and a little worry. What was going on with me? He didn't know. "Mitchie? What are you doing?"

There he goes once again with the talking. "Shh, baby. Don't ruin this moment with talking. All you need to know is that I love you, that I want you and that I'm ready." My voice was forced and he noticed, but I didn't give him a chance to complain as I kissed him again, just this time, he didn't kiss me back, instead, he pushed me away lightly, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"Please, Shane. Don't question me. I just want you to make love to me. Make love to me tonight." Skipping down to his neck, as long as his lips weren't available, I trailed kisses down his naked upper half.

"Mitchie? Why now?" Shane was persistent, I knew. He wanted me to talk to him. Fill him in. Tell him what was going on, but I wasn't in the mood to do that. I didn't want to. All I wanted was to feel loved, to forget, to finally live my life.

As I trailed downwards towards the waistband of his jeans, he finally had had enough and grabbed my wrists, halting my actions. Stopping me.  
"This is not you. What has gotten into you?" Shane's eyes showed fear, fear for me, his girlfriend. His girlfriend that was slowly slipping into insanity, trying to seduce him into sleeping with her without questions asked. He didn't know who I was anymore.

"Please. Don't." I was getting desperate, I knew, but I needed this. Needed it so much right now. I owned it to the ones no longer living. I owned it to them to live my life to the fullest.

"Honey. What's wrong? You're scaring me." By now, he was stroking my hair with his free hand, the one that wasn't holding my wrists.

"Nothing, Shane. It's nothing. I just want you. I love you." I was now close to tears. I was feeling rejected. Humiliated. Shane was holding me back. He didn't want me anymore. Or maybe he never had. He wouldn't let me live my life now that I realized that I needed to.  
"Please, just please." A traitor tear was trailing down my cheek now.

"Oh, honey. What happened?" He was concerned and beyond scared. He didn't know what to do. "Talk to me, please."

"I-" I couldn't tell him. Wasn't able to form coherent sentences or even words, tears streaming down my cheeks. Soon, I felt myself sobbing against his naked chest.

"Shh, it's okay. It will all be alright." As he was trying to sooth me I didn't believe one word he said. My best friend was dead, gone too soon. My boyfriend was rejecting me, not wanting me anymore. My whole world was falling apart.

"Just … Let me forget. Please, tonight." I pleaded, but he wouldn't give in. His expression didn't change. His face full of concern, but it failed to convince me that he still wanted me, but was just so confused.

"Tell me what happened, love. Tell me what's wrong. I want to help you." I was making him desperate, making him sad, but I didn't realize it. I only knew that my best friend was dead, she would no longer come back to me. Would no longer be a part of my life. She was gone. Tears were now even shimmering in his eyes.

"Caitlyn, she-" I couldn't say it. Couldn't say it out loud. Couldn't get myself to pronounce the words. The words that would make it all final. Make it seem too real. Make me realize that this wasn't a dream, not even a nightmare, but my reality.

"What's wrong with Caitlyn? What happened? Did you fight? Should I get her?" His eyes were roaming the room, desperately wishing that she would just appear, tell him what was going on. But that would never happen. Never again.

"You can't. She's-" I took a deep breath. "She's dead, Shane. Caitlyn is dead." The words were dooming, but I still didn't believe them. Didn't grasp their meaning. "I have to live my life. For her. For Caitlyn." And with that, I started kissing him again. I started kissing him again as the words were still sinking in. I had said it, had told him what I didn't want him to know. Not tonight. "I'll live my life, starting with right here and right now. Make love to me, Shane. Make me forget this pain for only tonight." I kissed him again. He was only responding faintly, before he pushed me away completely and started yelling.

"Snap out of it, Mitchie." I was sitting on the floor, looking up at him with innocent eyes, taken aback. Why did he yell at me? I was only trying to do what was right.  
Grabbing me and pressing me to his chest once more, cradling me like a child, he spoke up again. His voice was tearful. She was a friend of his after all, too. She was his friend, too. "That's not what you want. You're shocked. You're in denial. But this is not what you want. Not what Caitlyn would want."

Now it was my time to start yelling, pushing him away and getting off his lap. "You don't know what Caitlyn would want. She wants me to live my life. Live my life to the fullest. Make her proud."

Standing up and getting into my face, he was slowly shaking me by the shoulders. "This wouldn't make her proud, Mitchie. This would make her sad. Sad to see you, her best friend, like this. This is not how she wanted you to be. She wanted you to be you, no one else and that is also the only one I love. Just be you."

After a while, he had finally calmed me down and we were lying together in his bed upstairs.  
As I was slowly getting sleepy I felt him stroke my hair, soothing me still. Afraid that I would snap again. That I would break down again.

Whispering, I spoke up, having his attention immediately. "She never even got her first kiss. Never met her true love. She never got to live her dream. Never told Nate that she liked him. She never finished living her life." As tears were starting to fall again, I looked up at him. "This isn't fair. Why her?"

Sighing, he took a moment to answer. "It isn't fair. And I can't tell you why it had to be her, but I can tell you that even though there were so many things that she never got to do, we will always remember her. Always remember Caitlyn Gellar, the best friend anyone could ever have."

Letting these final, but true, words sink in, I slowly closed my eyes, falling asleep and dreaming of all the good times me and my best friend had had. Remembering her as the girl I could confide in, whatever happened. Remembering her as the girl that changed our lives forever, even if she would never know. Remembering the girl that I had known forever, but would never see again. The girl that had to leave far too soon. The girl that would always watch over me and let me live my life, when she didn't get the chance to.

ALWAYS remember the ones that die too soon. NEVER be sad.  
ALWAYS think of the good times you had with them. NEVER the bad.  
ALWAYS keep them in your heart. NEVER forget.  
Remember. They never got to live the life that you are so fortunate to live.

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So, what did you think?!

You may ask how I got the inspiration to write this and that is a question that has no easy answer.  
It's just the fact that in the past months so many people died, people close to me, people I barely knew and people far too young. I just felt the need to let it all out and this was my way to vent.

Tell me what you thought, but please no flames.

- Corinna


End file.
